Dear Divine Ma,

What Do You Want Me to Learn Today?

“Don’t you think it’s time to see what you’re really feeling about your mother’s passing? Don’t you think it’s possible that you might be stuffing unclaimed feelings under your psychological rug? What are you afraid of?”

I’m afraid I might show that I’m weak. That I’m frail. That I can’t cope in life on my own without a parent to guide me. Everything I did might have been in relation to my parents. Now that they’re both gone, where am I going to place my polestar now? 

“I thought you always claimed your guru was your polestar?” 
Well, that’s a good affirmation, but is it completely true? To tell you the truth, I’m not exactly sure where my polestar is. Partly my teacher Asha Praver, partly Swami Kriyananda, partly my spiritual master, Yogananda. But how much was it my mother all along? I can’t tell. I’ve never known. I still feel no emotions about mom’s passing. Actually, I’m happy for her that she’s no longer in discomfort. I know she’s in a better place. And I’m happy that she has re-discovered her husband. What’s there to be unhappy about? She has not been the center of my life for a long time. We held her up these last few years, not the other way around. So let her go. She is finally free. She wanted that for so long. She was so very tired of dragging that difficult body around all the time. She is in the next stage of her journey, discovering wonderful new surprises she never thought existed. Be happy for her!

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